are you a good person?

i love bringing people to reckless.
it changes them almost immediately.
i mean, it changed me. i never thought i would want God as much as i do now. its so indescribable. the unchanging, unmoving, unconditional sense of love. everyone seems to think of God as just someone to lean on and He is there for that but its so much more than that. its a lifestyle. its believing in His capabilities. its believing everything about Him and trying to the best of our abilites to follow His rules. not just praying for selfish reasons and hoping that you'll be answered. thats what i used to think. when i wanted things to go my way, i prayed and hoped and begged that a "miracle" would happen. you know what? my "miracle" never happened. going to church with my grandparents never helped cause i was always too tired to listen. yeah, i believed in God but i saw no reason why i had to read the bible and go to church and worship Him. i see why now. people want to be praised right? well, God is everything we are. He is everything we have. He created it all. so we worship to praise and thank Him for everything He has done. we read the bible to hear why we have everything we have today. we go to church to be inspired and to keep our faith. each time i go to reckless or church, my faith is strengthened times ten. it may fade a little in the middle of the week, but i always have a constant reminder. i used to think about God maybe once or twice a day. but, i'm forever thankful to Chris for inviting me to reckless. i don't know where'd i'd be right now without it. those kids there are some of the greatest kids i've ever met. so sweet and welcoming and kind. i really love it there. i feel like i belong.

what is this?

it never stops does it? as soon as one thing is good, another thing is destroyed. no panic attacks. no nightmares. i'm so happy. then you decide to have a little "talk" with me. you yelled more than anything.

i get it. i lose my temper sometimes. i get an attitude. but i control it to the best of my ability. i'm trying here. really. when it seems like you do things just to set me off. i try to do nice things for you and all i get in return is criticism instead of a thank you. thats obviously gonna make me a little upset. and yeah, i get a little frustrated when you ask me to do something for you when i'm busy with homework.

"things are going back to the way they used to be.."
"you know what? they are. and its all because of you."
"..can i please go back upstairs?"
"no. sit down. i need to talk to you."
"i don't want to sit down. i want to stand right here."
"i don't give a fuck what you want. sit down."

see? when you treat me like this and don't let me speak, i'm definitely gonna get angry. i'm not gonna let you treat me like this after months of therapy teaching us how to communicate. there are other ways of expressing your needs. just tell me to calm down. don't tell me that all of your problems are my fault. like, seriously? that really helps me right now. its like you want things like the summer again. well, i don't. thats when i felt weakest. so stop. please.

i feel weak. i feel vulnerable. i feel abandoned.