why me?

everything was going so well.
no nightmares. no panic attacks.
and now, all of a sudden, its all
coming back in one big wave.

two panic attacks in 24 hours.
waking up at four in the morning
with my shirt off and scratches
all over my chest. feeling like i
don't wanna socialize with anyone.
pushing even the most important
people in my life away. not able
to enjoy anything anymore. why?

because i worry too much. because
i let everything get to me. because
i let this disorder define me rather
than fix me like i should.

i make everyone's problem my own.
i let everything bother me and the
smallest things set me off.

i was just in science. doing my work.
my hands started shaking horribly.
i felt my legs go numb, i knew i was
about to have a panic attack.
"can i go to the bathroom?"
"yeahh, in a minute."
"its an emergency."
"i'm sure it can wait."
it can't wait mr. judkins. i'm about to
start hyperventilating in your class.
i might even pass out. do you really
want the whole class to see that? cause
i really don't. so let me go, a-hole.

"what if i'm the cause of it?"
babe, you could never be the cause of it.
you're the only happiness i have.

i'm spending the weekend with my
grandparents. i need a no stress weekend.
for once. it'll do me some good. i hope.

i seriously can't wait for reckless.
its become my outlet for everything.
i really thank chris for bringing me.
i don't know where i'd be without god
in my life right now. honestly. <3