i'm sick of this.

everyone needs to get over this.
i made a mistake. i freakin know.
i don't need to be talked to by a
million people to learn my lesson.
i don't need to lose a bunch of "close"
friends to realize what i did.
and i DO NOT need to be analyzed
by every single person in my life.

i've admitted what i did. i'm not trying
to justify it any way. but i'm sick of hearing
the same things from everyone. i'm
not stupid. i know what i'm doing.
just let me be happy. for once.
did you ever consider that? yeah.
thanks for looking out for me. i
really freakin appreciate it. bye.

are you a good person?

i love bringing people to reckless.
it changes them almost immediately.
i mean, it changed me. i never thought i would want God as much as i do now. its so indescribable. the unchanging, unmoving, unconditional sense of love. everyone seems to think of God as just someone to lean on and He is there for that but its so much more than that. its a lifestyle. its believing in His capabilities. its believing everything about Him and trying to the best of our abilites to follow His rules. not just praying for selfish reasons and hoping that you'll be answered. thats what i used to think. when i wanted things to go my way, i prayed and hoped and begged that a "miracle" would happen. you know what? my "miracle" never happened. going to church with my grandparents never helped cause i was always too tired to listen. yeah, i believed in God but i saw no reason why i had to read the bible and go to church and worship Him. i see why now. people want to be praised right? well, God is everything we are. He is everything we have. He created it all. so we worship to praise and thank Him for everything He has done. we read the bible to hear why we have everything we have today. we go to church to be inspired and to keep our faith. each time i go to reckless or church, my faith is strengthened times ten. it may fade a little in the middle of the week, but i always have a constant reminder. i used to think about God maybe once or twice a day. but, i'm forever thankful to Chris for inviting me to reckless. i don't know where'd i'd be right now without it. those kids there are some of the greatest kids i've ever met. so sweet and welcoming and kind. i really love it there. i feel like i belong.

what is this?

it never stops does it? as soon as one thing is good, another thing is destroyed. no panic attacks. no nightmares. i'm so happy. then you decide to have a little "talk" with me. you yelled more than anything.

i get it. i lose my temper sometimes. i get an attitude. but i control it to the best of my ability. i'm trying here. really. when it seems like you do things just to set me off. i try to do nice things for you and all i get in return is criticism instead of a thank you. thats obviously gonna make me a little upset. and yeah, i get a little frustrated when you ask me to do something for you when i'm busy with homework.

"things are going back to the way they used to be.."
"you know what? they are. and its all because of you."
"..can i please go back upstairs?"
"no. sit down. i need to talk to you."
"i don't want to sit down. i want to stand right here."
"i don't give a fuck what you want. sit down."

see? when you treat me like this and don't let me speak, i'm definitely gonna get angry. i'm not gonna let you treat me like this after months of therapy teaching us how to communicate. there are other ways of expressing your needs. just tell me to calm down. don't tell me that all of your problems are my fault. like, seriously? that really helps me right now. its like you want things like the summer again. well, i don't. thats when i felt weakest. so stop. please.

i feel weak. i feel vulnerable. i feel abandoned.

change me.

as i stood in that room, with all of those wonderful kids, singing and crying, i realized i want you in my life. i want you to change me. you brought me into this world and gave me everything i've ever wanted. i could never ask for anything more. but, i take it all for granted. i barely ever stop to thank you for everything you've done. but as joshua spoke to us, i felt your message. the hidden sins are my weakness.
"if i swear and no one hears me, there's no problem there."
"i only think this way everyone once in a while. its fine."
no. its not fine. i want you to fill me with thoughts of you. i want you to give me the strength and courage to fight against my old ways. not to care what others think about my beliefs. and not to let the hidden sins trick me.
i recommitted myself to you sunday morning. i can already tell that you're working in my life. when i kneeled on the ground in front of the pastor and asked you back into my life, i felt you. and i don't want that feeling to go away. i felt the best i've felt in forever at that moment. and talking to all of those amazing people afterwards, it made me realize that i have so much ahead of me. and that i need you there next to me to get through it. so, stay with me. please.

i spent time with my great grandmother on friday. she's one of the sweetest old ladies i know of. and she has the disease alzheimers. when i first got there, she said something that hurt more than anything.
"who are you?"
"grammy, its me. aura. your great granddaughter."
"wha-what? oh, i'm sorry. my memory isn't so great."
and it went on like that for the rest of the time i was there but after a while, she remembered my name. she just kept asking me the same questions. and told the same stories. but, i'm still glad that i got to know her. i found out some things about when she was younger. i hope she still remembers me. she remembered me two days later on out way to church. maybe it'll stick with her? i hope. i love her so much. she's so sweet and fragile. she's not gonna be around for much longer and i'm glad i took the time to get to know her better before she does go. i pray for the best for her. <3

"Please, take your time. Our past can't be taken back but, our future is still un-written. I'd like to think that at least a paragraph of story talked of a man and his daughter, sitting in a coffee shop, smiling and talking. I love you very much kid. You don't know how badly I've been wanting this."
its things like this that make me wonder. ugh.
my mom has been going crazy lately. its really starting to bother me. she constantly reminds me that woody loves me and that he would never hurt me. i know! you don't have to tell me every five seconds. and when you make it so obvious that you're worried about me replacing him, its a little insulting. i would never and could never do that. i love him way more than i will ever love mark. who i'm not even close to having that kind of affection for! that may not ever even happen. so leave me alone. and do me a favor and mind my privacy. kthanks.

my weekend with my grandparents was amazingly good. i really don't know what i'd do without them. they're like my getaway. sometimes going to friends houses is more stressful than being home. but they always make me feel so comfortable and we always have so much fun. most people don't like spending time with their grandparents but i honestly love it. i kind of want to go again this weekend. and every other weekend... idk.

things are going so well with chris. i couldn't ask for anything better. i'm so happy with him. there's no way to describe how i feel when i'm with him. its like a butterflies in you stomach/dizzy/excited/nervous feeling. but thats not even it. i've never felt that way around someone. i can't help but smile when i see him. and when i hug him, i take in every moment of it. he squeezes me harder and i feel my heart skip a beat. he's so amazing. i'm really starting to fall for him more and more. i hope he feels the same way.

kyle frederick leafe. that kid is so amazing. he always tries to cheer me up. i can't explain how comfortable i am talking to him. he's so trustable. and he listens better than anyone i know. he doesn't joke when i'm upset. he takes me seriously. i seriously love him a ton. i can already tell he's gonna be such a great friend for the next three years, if not more.

no panic attacks lately. just nightmares. whatever. i need to get over these things.

well, until next time. goodbye.

come and move.
come and move in me.
come and move.
come and move in me.
<3

why me?

everything was going so well.
no nightmares. no panic attacks.
and now, all of a sudden, its all
coming back in one big wave.

two panic attacks in 24 hours.
waking up at four in the morning
with my shirt off and scratches
all over my chest. feeling like i
don't wanna socialize with anyone.
pushing even the most important
people in my life away. not able
to enjoy anything anymore. why?

because i worry too much. because
i let everything get to me. because
i let this disorder define me rather
than fix me like i should.

i make everyone's problem my own.
i let everything bother me and the
smallest things set me off.

i was just in science. doing my work.
my hands started shaking horribly.
i felt my legs go numb, i knew i was
about to have a panic attack.
"can i go to the bathroom?"
"yeahh, in a minute."
"its an emergency."
"i'm sure it can wait."
it can't wait mr. judkins. i'm about to
start hyperventilating in your class.
i might even pass out. do you really
want the whole class to see that? cause
i really don't. so let me go, a-hole.

"what if i'm the cause of it?"
babe, you could never be the cause of it.
you're the only happiness i have.

i'm spending the weekend with my
grandparents. i need a no stress weekend.
for once. it'll do me some good. i hope.

i seriously can't wait for reckless.
its become my outlet for everything.
i really thank chris for bringing me.
i don't know where i'd be without god
in my life right now. honestly. <3

i'm disappointed in you.

so, i emailed mark. we've been talking for the past two days. i found out i have another sibling. her name is ava. almost one year old. he said he'd send some pictures. i'm a little overwhelmed. but, i'm feeling a little less empty. like i have a new part of my life. i have no intentions to call him my dad again or anything. but he's finally in my life.

i hate feelings bad about that. my mom has been crying since yesterday when i told her. and when i try to talk to her about it, she doesn't really act all that supportive. "its your choice. and i'll be here for you." yeah. whatever.

i don't think she understands that woody will always be the one i love. he's the one thats been there for me the whole time. "do you still have that ring?" of course i do. haven't you noticed that i never take the freakin thing off?! he means the world to me. more than you'll ever realize.

and she seems to think i'm so stupid and that i didn't think this through. i've been thinking about this for weeks now. i don't need your help to make this decision. and iphi isn't gonna help me. i'm still gonna talk to him. you told me you want me to see her like she's gonna persuade me not to talk to him. i know its hard but its my choice. you don't have to freak out when you said i could do whatever i felt. "i wish you would've thought about this more.." i thought for two weeks. it was all i thought about. now leave me alone.

whatever.

this emptiness is so overwhelming.
its all i can ever think about. and i
don't know why. the only way i can
explain it is that i feel like something
is missing in my life. like, i can never
feel fully satisfied. i'm happy. but
not completely. i need something
more. but what? what could possibly
be missing thats making me feel so
worthless? i don't understand it.

procrastinating doing my homework.
of course. nothing will be done until
about sunday around nine o'clock.
cause thats just the way i am >_<

well, i'm pretending to do my hw
and actually doing this while getting
ready for michelle's house :D woot!

"Your welcome and now that I just
gave you a compliment I have to
insult you! You look like an old jewish
man who needs to go stab your eyes
out with chopsticks because you can
know longer stand the sight of your
hidious face! you shall enjoy that
thoroughly:D BESTFRIENDS!"
- the infamous abbey <3

let's get jizzical, JIZZICAL!
bahaha i love meg oh so very much.
well, i actually hate her, but whatevs.

time for me to go do dishes! how fun?!
ick. goodbye until next time (:

christopher<3 i love you

well...

i've been exhausted all day long.
i have no idea why. i've been sleeping
plenty but i'm still tired all the time.

i'm still trying to figure out whether
i should email my dad or not. i'm
clueless as to what i want and if i
would regret whatever i choose in
the end. i really need to figure this
out and make up my friggen mind.
i think i'm gonna do it. i dunno :/

i feel an emptiness in my body.
i can't tell what it is or why its
there. i'm just not... happy. idk.
i just want it to go away. ughh.

well, i'm going to bed. bye.

skittles and frozen hot dogs.

AYYYY!

"i wonder if you could store food up there..."
bahahaha! oh, the wonders of gym.

my gay phone still turns off with the
slightest touch. BLAHH! shoot me.

home alone with the puppy until my
mom gets home with my brother.
just finished my project and my
geometry homework. now i'm on the
couch blogging and having to pee
really freakin bad. i should probably
go before i get a bladder infection >_<

becoming closer with a new friend (:
her name is michelle. she's pretty
cool. i already trust her with a lot.

well, goodbye world. i must pee
before i explode! ciao <3

As we go through our lives, we think we have everything figured out.

"I'm strong. I can handle anything that comes my way."

That is, until someone close, a loved one perhaps, loses their life. You can almost never see something like this coming. And when it hits you, its like a hurricane suddenly hitting your heart. A lot of people blame God for the deaths of loved ones, and I guess one could blame Him, but what I don't understand is when people become infuriated with him. It hurts, we know. But then again, He is teaching you a lesson. Everything happens for a reason.

When I went to young Kaylee's wake tonight, it was painful to see her parents; so sad and hurt. And even more painful to see the tiny casket holding her fragile body. I thought, "Why would God end the life of such a beautiful, happy little girl?" But then, what if her life would have been filled with even worse things than death? I realize that God must have done this for some sort of reason. Like I said, everything happens for a reason.


In loving memory of Kaylee Marie Dimetri, the cutest four year old out there <3
May her beautiful face and loving smile forever be remembered.

When I was growing up

You, when I was growing up, I always hated you. I always told myself that I didn't want anything to do with you. You were immature and irresonsible. You were never there for me and always disappeared when I needed you most. So my question is: have you really changed?

Have you really pulled yourself together or are you just in it for the money? Because, I have no trust left in my heart to give. Especially to you of all people. I know in my mind that you will screw me over in some way or another.

But there's so much I want to know...

You're a mystery to me and I want to solve you. But what trials will I run into on my way to success? Will I even reach success? Is it even possible in this situation?



And you. My DAD. You've been there for me for more than half my life and that's more than Mark can say. I love you and appreciate everything you've done for me but would you understand? Would you be hurt?

Ughh.

God, please give me the power and courage to make the right decision. I need you. Especially now.