<3

It's been a while. And a lot has changed:

My family
My friends
My love

Family; One of the biggest changes in my family life is that my mom is pregnant. It's a boy. Paul Edward Bradley Wood. She is due in about seven weeks and I'm excited but also very nervous and scared. Donna, my grandmother on my dad's side, has severe breast cancer. She starts chemotherapy in two days. It's very scary and it has put a lot of stress on the family. But, we're all trying to help eachother pull through.

Friends; I've made many new ones in the loss of old ones. I like the new ones more. We have huge sleepovers all the time and I just enjoy every minute of them. The group of girls and guys that I've been hanging out with has just grown to what it is today and I love all of them. Many of my old friends have stopped talking to me all together. Not even hanging out with me or anything. I don't really have a problem with it. I'm happy with who I have now. Very happy.

Love; Ryan William Demers makes me happier than anyone else ever has. Endofstory. No need to explain what happened and why. I don't need to prove myself to anybody. I did what I knew would make me happy and yes, it was at the expense of another person's happiness, but just so everyone knows, he made me miserable for ten whole months. So don't judge me. Don't even try to talk to me about it because I don't even want to here what you want to say. I'm happy. For once.

One thing that has not changed is my anxiety. It's only remained the same with its constant bothering of me. If anything, it has gotten worse. I spend my nights worrying and shaking and crying and sometimes, I even faint. I have nightmares. Constantly. It's terrible and I hate it. But, I have help from a few close friends and hopefully, things will start getting better.


That is all for now. I have much more on my mind. But, it's time to study.

i'm sick of this.

everyone needs to get over this.
i made a mistake. i freakin know.
i don't need to be talked to by a
million people to learn my lesson.
i don't need to lose a bunch of "close"
friends to realize what i did.
and i DO NOT need to be analyzed
by every single person in my life.

i've admitted what i did. i'm not trying
to justify it any way. but i'm sick of hearing
the same things from everyone. i'm
not stupid. i know what i'm doing.
just let me be happy. for once.
did you ever consider that? yeah.
thanks for looking out for me. i
really freakin appreciate it. bye.

are you a good person?

i love bringing people to reckless.
it changes them almost immediately.
i mean, it changed me. i never thought i would want God as much as i do now. its so indescribable. the unchanging, unmoving, unconditional sense of love. everyone seems to think of God as just someone to lean on and He is there for that but its so much more than that. its a lifestyle. its believing in His capabilities. its believing everything about Him and trying to the best of our abilites to follow His rules. not just praying for selfish reasons and hoping that you'll be answered. thats what i used to think. when i wanted things to go my way, i prayed and hoped and begged that a "miracle" would happen. you know what? my "miracle" never happened. going to church with my grandparents never helped cause i was always too tired to listen. yeah, i believed in God but i saw no reason why i had to read the bible and go to church and worship Him. i see why now. people want to be praised right? well, God is everything we are. He is everything we have. He created it all. so we worship to praise and thank Him for everything He has done. we read the bible to hear why we have everything we have today. we go to church to be inspired and to keep our faith. each time i go to reckless or church, my faith is strengthened times ten. it may fade a little in the middle of the week, but i always have a constant reminder. i used to think about God maybe once or twice a day. but, i'm forever thankful to Chris for inviting me to reckless. i don't know where'd i'd be right now without it. those kids there are some of the greatest kids i've ever met. so sweet and welcoming and kind. i really love it there. i feel like i belong.

what is this?

it never stops does it? as soon as one thing is good, another thing is destroyed. no panic attacks. no nightmares. i'm so happy. then you decide to have a little "talk" with me. you yelled more than anything.

i get it. i lose my temper sometimes. i get an attitude. but i control it to the best of my ability. i'm trying here. really. when it seems like you do things just to set me off. i try to do nice things for you and all i get in return is criticism instead of a thank you. thats obviously gonna make me a little upset. and yeah, i get a little frustrated when you ask me to do something for you when i'm busy with homework.

"things are going back to the way they used to be.."
"you know what? they are. and its all because of you."
"..can i please go back upstairs?"
"no. sit down. i need to talk to you."
"i don't want to sit down. i want to stand right here."
"i don't give a fuck what you want. sit down."

see? when you treat me like this and don't let me speak, i'm definitely gonna get angry. i'm not gonna let you treat me like this after months of therapy teaching us how to communicate. there are other ways of expressing your needs. just tell me to calm down. don't tell me that all of your problems are my fault. like, seriously? that really helps me right now. its like you want things like the summer again. well, i don't. thats when i felt weakest. so stop. please.

i feel weak. i feel vulnerable. i feel abandoned.

change me.

as i stood in that room, with all of those wonderful kids, singing and crying, i realized i want you in my life. i want you to change me. you brought me into this world and gave me everything i've ever wanted. i could never ask for anything more. but, i take it all for granted. i barely ever stop to thank you for everything you've done. but as joshua spoke to us, i felt your message. the hidden sins are my weakness.
"if i swear and no one hears me, there's no problem there."
"i only think this way everyone once in a while. its fine."
no. its not fine. i want you to fill me with thoughts of you. i want you to give me the strength and courage to fight against my old ways. not to care what others think about my beliefs. and not to let the hidden sins trick me.
i recommitted myself to you sunday morning. i can already tell that you're working in my life. when i kneeled on the ground in front of the pastor and asked you back into my life, i felt you. and i don't want that feeling to go away. i felt the best i've felt in forever at that moment. and talking to all of those amazing people afterwards, it made me realize that i have so much ahead of me. and that i need you there next to me to get through it. so, stay with me. please.

i spent time with my great grandmother on friday. she's one of the sweetest old ladies i know of. and she has the disease alzheimers. when i first got there, she said something that hurt more than anything.
"who are you?"
"grammy, its me. aura. your great granddaughter."
"wha-what? oh, i'm sorry. my memory isn't so great."
and it went on like that for the rest of the time i was there but after a while, she remembered my name. she just kept asking me the same questions. and told the same stories. but, i'm still glad that i got to know her. i found out some things about when she was younger. i hope she still remembers me. she remembered me two days later on out way to church. maybe it'll stick with her? i hope. i love her so much. she's so sweet and fragile. she's not gonna be around for much longer and i'm glad i took the time to get to know her better before she does go. i pray for the best for her. <3

"Please, take your time. Our past can't be taken back but, our future is still un-written. I'd like to think that at least a paragraph of story talked of a man and his daughter, sitting in a coffee shop, smiling and talking. I love you very much kid. You don't know how badly I've been wanting this."
its things like this that make me wonder. ugh.
my mom has been going crazy lately. its really starting to bother me. she constantly reminds me that woody loves me and that he would never hurt me. i know! you don't have to tell me every five seconds. and when you make it so obvious that you're worried about me replacing him, its a little insulting. i would never and could never do that. i love him way more than i will ever love mark. who i'm not even close to having that kind of affection for! that may not ever even happen. so leave me alone. and do me a favor and mind my privacy. kthanks.

my weekend with my grandparents was amazingly good. i really don't know what i'd do without them. they're like my getaway. sometimes going to friends houses is more stressful than being home. but they always make me feel so comfortable and we always have so much fun. most people don't like spending time with their grandparents but i honestly love it. i kind of want to go again this weekend. and every other weekend... idk.

things are going so well with chris. i couldn't ask for anything better. i'm so happy with him. there's no way to describe how i feel when i'm with him. its like a butterflies in you stomach/dizzy/excited/nervous feeling. but thats not even it. i've never felt that way around someone. i can't help but smile when i see him. and when i hug him, i take in every moment of it. he squeezes me harder and i feel my heart skip a beat. he's so amazing. i'm really starting to fall for him more and more. i hope he feels the same way.

kyle frederick leafe. that kid is so amazing. he always tries to cheer me up. i can't explain how comfortable i am talking to him. he's so trustable. and he listens better than anyone i know. he doesn't joke when i'm upset. he takes me seriously. i seriously love him a ton. i can already tell he's gonna be such a great friend for the next three years, if not more.

no panic attacks lately. just nightmares. whatever. i need to get over these things.

well, until next time. goodbye.

come and move.
come and move in me.
come and move.
come and move in me.
<3

why me?

everything was going so well.
no nightmares. no panic attacks.
and now, all of a sudden, its all
coming back in one big wave.

two panic attacks in 24 hours.
waking up at four in the morning
with my shirt off and scratches
all over my chest. feeling like i
don't wanna socialize with anyone.
pushing even the most important
people in my life away. not able
to enjoy anything anymore. why?

because i worry too much. because
i let everything get to me. because
i let this disorder define me rather
than fix me like i should.

i make everyone's problem my own.
i let everything bother me and the
smallest things set me off.

i was just in science. doing my work.
my hands started shaking horribly.
i felt my legs go numb, i knew i was
about to have a panic attack.
"can i go to the bathroom?"
"yeahh, in a minute."
"its an emergency."
"i'm sure it can wait."
it can't wait mr. judkins. i'm about to
start hyperventilating in your class.
i might even pass out. do you really
want the whole class to see that? cause
i really don't. so let me go, a-hole.

"what if i'm the cause of it?"
babe, you could never be the cause of it.
you're the only happiness i have.

i'm spending the weekend with my
grandparents. i need a no stress weekend.
for once. it'll do me some good. i hope.

i seriously can't wait for reckless.
its become my outlet for everything.
i really thank chris for bringing me.
i don't know where i'd be without god
in my life right now. honestly. <3

i'm disappointed in you.

so, i emailed mark. we've been talking for the past two days. i found out i have another sibling. her name is ava. almost one year old. he said he'd send some pictures. i'm a little overwhelmed. but, i'm feeling a little less empty. like i have a new part of my life. i have no intentions to call him my dad again or anything. but he's finally in my life.

i hate feelings bad about that. my mom has been crying since yesterday when i told her. and when i try to talk to her about it, she doesn't really act all that supportive. "its your choice. and i'll be here for you." yeah. whatever.

i don't think she understands that woody will always be the one i love. he's the one thats been there for me the whole time. "do you still have that ring?" of course i do. haven't you noticed that i never take the freakin thing off?! he means the world to me. more than you'll ever realize.

and she seems to think i'm so stupid and that i didn't think this through. i've been thinking about this for weeks now. i don't need your help to make this decision. and iphi isn't gonna help me. i'm still gonna talk to him. you told me you want me to see her like she's gonna persuade me not to talk to him. i know its hard but its my choice. you don't have to freak out when you said i could do whatever i felt. "i wish you would've thought about this more.." i thought for two weeks. it was all i thought about. now leave me alone.